The Lies I Tell Myself
I used to just take it. Go with the flow. Accept what came my way, put my head down, and try to not ruffle any feathers. Be the "good little girl." Follow all the rules. Stay quiet.
A few years ago, I began to realize how a piece inside of me would die a little bit every single time something came up I didn't agree with or didn't want to do because if I said what I was feeling I feared losing relationships I deeply cared about.
I was losing myself by "going with the flow" for the sake of keeping the relational "peace."
That is until l I realized how unhealthy that way of life was for me.
Learning that it is not my job to make others happy has been one of the most difficult and painful but at the same time freeing things I have ever learned.
Learning that it is ok to say no even when others disagree with me or try to shame me into changing my mind has been challenging, but empowering.
Learning that if I cannot stand up for myself I will not be able to fully stand up for others has given me the courage to speak up, speak out, and be ok with some feather-ruffling.
I will be honest, though, it's only been within the last couple of years where I've begun to gather up the courage to speak up for myself...and it has cost me a lot of anxiety, tears, and uncertainty.
I have had to reassess relationships more times than I care to remember.
I have had to continuously remind myself that "I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights and that I live in the strong and unshakeable Kingdom of God."
I have had to learn and re-learn that I can reject the shame heaped upon me by others.
I have also learned how easy it is for me to fall back into my own patterns.
So much of my inward and downward journey has involved facing those lies, naming them, and learning to pay attention to when they rear their ugly heads again.
It's been a rough week for me...one of those weeks were I've felt myself fall back into my old patterns that I am not enough and that I will never be able to do enough. That I have to do something to earn the love of others. If others are mad at me or I say something that angers them, it is all my fault and I must apologize.
But you see, those are...lies.
The truth is...that I will encounter relationships where I will never be enough and that says more about the other person than me.
The truth is...that I will have relationships where no matter what I do, it will never be enough and that has more to do with the other person than me.
The truth is...that if I have to earn someone else’s love, maybe I need to re-think what exactly I am doing in that kind of unhealthy relationship.
The truth is...when I begin to stand up for myself, waves will be made and people will get upset. It is not my job to make others happy.
Lord, may I continue to grow in the courage to face the lies that hold me back, the strength to understand my motives, and the ability to speak out. May I rest in the peace that comes in knowing that I truly am "one in whom You dwell and delight in."