When I first began writing publicly, I wanted to be honest. Vulnerable.
I was so tired of all the perfect blogs.
The holy answers to everything.
I never wanted to "formulate" Christ-likeness.
(I don't even know if that's a word, but ok)
I wanted this to be a space where you who are reading this would be able to see that you are not the only one who struggles with doubt, anxiety, trust, fear, comparison, body image, parenting, and family issues.
I wanted you to realize that we are all just trying to figure out a way to live our lives in a way that makes sense in a world that doesn't, which is the very heart of why I write.
Finally finding the courage to open up and vulnerably share a bit of the pain our family has been going through this last year is hard for me. I hope you are able to hold it.
Either way, here I go:
I've been quiet.
Slowly dissecting the torrent of feelings and emotions that come as I navigate through the seemingly endless unforgiving maze we find ourselves in.
Some days it feels as if I release my breath from its hold the world as we know it will fall apart.
I am learning to wait for the short spurts of light and rejoice in the fleeting moments of joy that do come as we traverse the perilous season.
My life has been full of hospital visits. Therapy appointments. Phone calls. Medical bills. Sleepless nights. Lots and lots of waiting.
Trying to muster enough energy to care for my other three children while trying not pour too much guilt upon myself when I can't, while at the same time trying to keep my struggling child safe...and on the real hard days, just tying to keep her alive.
Wordless prayers are silent internal groans.
I keep saying that some day I'll take the time to process my own emotions and feelings fully, but right now I'm on survival mode.
If you find yourself in this emotional space, here is my prayer for us:
May our silent internal groaning be met with compassion.
May our words of frustration be met with love.
May our screams and yells of anger be met with empathy.
May our tears be met with understanding.
May we find peace and rest.